#and then it started making me spiral about everything even unrelated to it

[confettigraffiti]

I miss talking to my friends genuinely but also I have very much overstayed my welcome everywhere and it's too late (I got VERY annoying near the end + fell out of a major interest which didn't help. my bad yall 😔) I feel like I should remake at this point and just move on but also. move on to what

[aquaticmercy]

Waste a Moment / Part 15

Summary : Bucky had always kept his distance, but seeing you get hurt on a mission changed everything. For the first time, he has a chance to start over with you.

Pairing : Bucky Barnes x avenger!reader (she/her) 

Warnings/tags : Mentions of food. Cursing. Memory loss. Head injury. Reader used to work in a museum.

Requested by :  @remoony

Word count : 2.7k

Note : I have a lot on my inbox and I haven’t been replying a lot lately, but I will go through them tomorrow! Please let me know if I miss anyone on the tags! Enjoy!

Series Masterlist

“Name a Price”

Tuesday.

You had said it all—every bitter feeling, every thread of anger that festered so deep inside you that you barely knew where you ended and it began. Alex hadn’t interrupted, hadn’t even shifted in her seat.

She just sat there beside you, listening like she did the first time.

Not as someone who pitied you— but as a friend.

For a while, she didn’t say anything. 

You stared at the glass case in front of you, the one holding Bucky’s war uniform— a symbol of his past that he was still piecing together.

You began to wonder if he’d been someone else back then— someone untouched by Hydra’s corruption. 

But you knew better. That uniform belonged to a man already carrying scars from war you couldn’t begin to fathom. Hydra just amplified it, took advantage of it, added to it.

“I’m not defending Bucky,” Alex finally spoke, “But let me ask you something—hypothetically. If you were still with him, and he somehow forgot all about his Winter Soldier days, would you remind him?”

What?

You turned to her sharply, mouth agape with shock. “That’s not fair.”

“I’m not trying to be fair,” she replied calmly, “it was just a hypothetical question.”

Your hands clenched into fists in your lap. “But that’s neither here nor there,” you muttered, looking away.

“Is it?” Alex pressed, her tone patient but unrelenting. “The only difference I see is scale.”

Her words lingered in your brain like a disease spreading. You wanted to snap at her, to tell her it wasn’t the same thing at all, but… wasn’t it?

“Well,” you said, your voice faltering a little, your conviction a little less absolute. “It’s not the same,” you insisted. “It’s a painful memory for him, and he wouldn’t know how to process it. I wouldn’t want to…”

Your voice trailed off, realising your answer.

The truth— the truth was that you wouldn’t tell him. 

You wouldn’t tell him because you couldn’t bear to see the pain, to see the humanity ripped away again. You wouldn’t be able to look at the way it would twist his beautiful blue eyes and pull him back into the darkness he’d spent so long trying to climb out of. You wouldn’t tell him because you didn’t think you could survive watching him rip himself apart, questioning his very existence, his place in the world.

But was that fair? Could you make that choice for him?

Alex’s voice cut through your spiralling thoughts. “Doesn’t he deserve to know the truth?”

You flinched, feeling the words hit like a punch. 

“It wouldn’t be my place to give it to him,” you said, your tone harsher than you intended— like it was your last line of defence. 

“So you’d be complicit,” Alex said bluntly.

That word stunned you. It froze you in place.

Complicit.

You felt your chest tighten, your breath stopping for a split second. 

Complicit. 

Like Yelena.

The realisation struck you like a punch to the gut. 

Even as you tried to tend to the wounds, you still held a grudge against Yelena for what she’d done, for keeping the truth from you. You hated the way she had looked at you with pity in her eyes. You hated that she’d known all along. You hated that she knew when the truth came out, it would destroy you. 

But now, you realised, if you were in Yelena’s shoes, wouldn’t you have done the exact same thing?

“And how do you think he’d feel if he found out the way you did?” Alex continued quietly.

You swallowed hard, but the lump in your throat wouldn’t go away. 

You didn’t have to imagine it. You already knew— you knew exactly how he’d feel.

He’d feel like the ground had been ripped out from under him, like the air had been stolen from his lungs. He’d feel betrayed. Hurt. 

Like his entire world was a lie.

Just like you had.

You loved Alex— she was your friend— but you hated how exposed you felt, how easily her words broke down the walls you've built around yourself.

“It’s not that simple,” you said, your voice breaking.

“I know,” Alex replied, she put her hand on yours, trying to keep you steady. “But I think… Bucky did what he did out of love. It doesn’t make it right, but it doesn’t make it wrong either. It makes it human.”

“So what?” You almost snapped if not for the stray sob that escaped your mouth. “I’m just supposed to forgive him? Pretend like it’s all okay because he meant well?”

“No,” Alex said firmly. “You’re allowed to be angry. You’re allowed to hurt.” She paused, her eyes holding yours. “But ask yourself this: what’s holding on to this anger costing you?”

You knew exactly what it cost you: it cost you your happiness, and his.

—

When you stepped into your apartment, you saw him.

Bucky stood in the kitchen, his back turned to you, shoulders tense he moved around the stove. The soft clatter of utensils and the low hiss of simmering liquor on the burner made your apartment feel like him. 

The scent was rich, warm, and familiar. It was your favourite dish. 

On the table nearby, your clear vase was now home to a bouquet of flowers, your favourite flowers— the ones he always teased you about loving because they never lasted long. You’d playfully huff, telling him it bloomed so beautifully in the short time it had lived. 

They were arranged with painstaking care—one you knew Bucky was capable of. The petals were flawless, the colours vibrant, as if he’d combed through hundreds of blooms to find the most perfect ones.  

“Hey,” he said softly. He turned to face you, his movements careful, as if afraid to shatter the fragile truce between you. 

When his eyes found yours, a tentative smile curved his lips. His voice was different— gentle, stripped of the defensive edge you had expected.

Your breath hitched.

You’d imagined this moment countless times while you were laying in the hospital bed. 

In some versions, your fury took centre stage, unleashed on him like a storm. In others, the anger had dulled, leaving only an all- consuming sadness, refusing to acknowledge he existed all together. 

You had breached for him to plead, to beg. But this? This peace, this tenderness—it wasn’t what you’d prepared for. 

“Hi,” you managed to say, your voice barely more than a whisper. It felt heavy, like the first crack in a dam threatening to spill. You closed the door behind you, and walked to the dinner table, sitting down before your knees gave out.

Bucky turned back to the stove, setting the spoon down, giving himself a moment to gather his thoughts. He wiped his hands on a towel before walking over to the table. 

His movements were careful, like a man walking a tightrope. “I didn’t want you to come back to… an empty home. Not again,” he murmured, his hand raking through his hair, as it always did when he was anxious. “So I thought I’d, uh, take care of the place. Until you came back. If you came back.”

You stared at him, then at his careful effort he’d put into making the apartment feel welcoming. After all this time, your home didn’t feel yours anymore— not entirely.. It felt like it belonged to both of you. 

“You didn’t have to do this,” you said finally, your voice trembling. 

“I know,” he said, his voice barely holding steady. His eyes met yours, and for the first time since the hospital, there was no mask, no shield. No defences raised, no excuses. “But I wanted to.”

The vulnerability in his eyes was an invitation, not a deflection.

“Dinner’s almost ready,” he said, breaking the moment as he turned back to the stove.

You nodded, fingers brushing over the soft petals of the flowers. Questions swirled in your mind—so many questions, accusations, words you’d rehearsed over and over. But you didn’t say any of them. Instead, you let him take care of you as you once did— you let him finish dinner.  

When he finally brought the plates over, he sat across from you, his hands resting on his knees like he was bracing for impact. You stared at the food, then at him.

“Thank you,” you said. Picking up your fork felt… comforting. It felt like home.

“I can go,” he said suddenly, almost panicked. “I’ll do the dishes and leave.”

“No,” you said quickly, the word surprising even yourself. Your chest tightened as you recalled your conversation with Alex, her reminder that he was human, a reminder that healing could only start if you accepted that he could make mistakes. You set your fork down and met his eyes. “I’m ready to talk.”

Bucky hesitated, his fingers tracing anxious patterns along the table. His muscles tightened, his eyes fixed downward as if the weight of what he was about to say could shatter everything between you. “I don’t… I don’t know where to start.”

You swallowed, the lump forming in your throat. You forced yourself to breathe through it. 

The thought of finally hearing him out was terrifying, but you knew you owed it to yourself. “I don’t care where you start,” you said gently.

His hand stilled in a grip that held the table’s edge a little too tightly. “I know you know I wasn’t always this w-way. This perfect person you’ve known these past few months… I’ve always wanted to be him, for you.”

His words hit you like a wave, the sincerity pulling at your heartstrings. 

“I never needed you to be perfect, Bucky,” you said, the tremble in your tone almost taking over, “I just needed you to be honest.”

He lifted his gaze then, his eyes clouded with regret, pain, and mostly— shame. “How could I?” He murmured, his voice cracking, “For so long, I thought I was protecting you by keeping parts of myself locked away. By being… distant. I thought that if I didn’t let you get too close, you’d be better off. Safer. I didn’t… I didn’t know how t-to justify this change.”

“But why?” you asked, your voice sharper than you intended. “Why did you think I couldn’t handle it? Why didn’t you trust me enough to let me in?”

He flinched at your tone, his shoulders dropping as if the question had drained him. He closed his eyes for a moment, thinking before answering. “Because I didn’t think I deserved you.” He looked at you then, his eyes so full of pain. “I told myself you deserved someone whole, someone who wasn’t… broken. And I thought that if I kept my distance, you would hate me. But you didn’t. Not until… not until now.”

But he was wrong. You didn’t hate him— you never could. You hated that he lied, But him? No, you could never bring yourself to hate him.

“So you pushed me away,” you said quietly, a confirmation of what you knew all along.

He nodded, lI thought I could keep my distance and pretend like it was for the best. But every time I was around you, I felt this… like I couldn’t breathe.”

There it was again. 

He couldn’t breathe around you, he admitted time and again. But not because he hated you. Not because he found your presence suffocating.

It was because you were so damn precious to him that the very thought of sharing the same air as you felt like a privilege he hadn’t earned.

“Instead of facing it,” he continued, “I built a wall around myself.”

Today, his words weren’t excuses; they were admissions. Every letter felt like it cost him a piece of himself.

“I know I hurt you,” he said, his voice breaking. “And I know I can’t undo that. But when you lost your memory… I don’t know. It felt like I had this chance to—to start over. To be the man you deserved. To show you the kind of love I’ve always wanted to give you.”

You blinked back tears. It was like piecing together the puzzle of your past, one fragment of pain at a time. “But you didn’t think to tell me?” you asked, “You didn’t think I deserved to know?”

A pang guilt crossed his face, his mouth falling into a frown. “I should have,” he admitted, “I should’ve told you everything from the start. But I was so scared that if you knew, you’d see the worst of me. That you’d hate me for it. And losing you… I couldn’t handle... couldn’t think….”

You wanted to yell at him, to tell him how much his silence had hurt you, how it had made you question everything. But you also understood, in a way that only love could explain. Alex’s little thought experiment made you connect to his fear— the paralysing fear of losing that meant so much to you. 

“I’m not going to pretend this doesn’t hurt,” you said, your voice steady despite the tears welling in your eyes. “I can’t go back to the way things were before, Bucky. No more lies, no more walls. If we’re going to try this— I need to know all of you. The good, the bad, the broken. All of it.”

His eyes widened.

A second chance—after everything he’d hidden from you? 

It seemed impossible— yet here you were, offering it to him.

He hesitated, then reached for your hand, still not believing that he deserved your touch.

When his trembling fingers brushed against yours, you didn’t pull away. Instead, you turned your hand, weaving your fingers through his.

“I promise,” he said, “I’ll be better. I’ll be honest. No more walls, no more hiding.”

His fingers tightened around yours, afraid you might still let go, afraid you might change your mind. 

But you held on, your grip firm “I don’t need you to be perfect,” you repeated. “I just need you to be honest. I need you to let me in.”

His breath faltered, and for a moment, he looked at you like you were the only thing that could keep him tethered to this earth. “I’ll let you in,” his voice broke. “I’ll spend the rest of my life proving to you that you made the right choice.”

As you sat there holding his hand, you felt the presence of something stronger than fear—hope.

“Can I kiss you?” He finally asked

Your heartbeat quickened, your chest tightening at the sincerity in his request. 

For a moment, you saw it—the life you both wanted, the way it could feel so right, so safe, in his arms. And yet, the cracks of what you’d been through together were still there. The answer that rose within you wasn’t what you’d expected, but it was clear.

“No.”

The word left your lips gently, but firmly. His thumb froze against your skin, his body tensing. The faintest flicker of hurt crossed his eyes. 

He opened his mouth to apologise, but before he could, you interrupted him.

“I’m not saying no forever,” you said, “But I want to take things slow. I need to trust that this—whatever we’re building now—isn’t just us rushing to cover up the hurt. I need to know it’s real.”

For a moment, he just looked at you. Slowly, his shoulders relaxed. A small, almost shy smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “We’ll go as slow as you need,” he said.

He leaned back slightly, letting his fingers slip from yours.

There was no more resentment, no bitterness— only understanding. 

The two of you continued eating in silence, exchanging glances that lingered just a little longer than usual, small, subtle smiles that promised a fragile piece. Each moment felt like a step forward, like a rebuilding of trust, brick by brick, piece by piece.

When the meal was over, he stood to clear the dishes. As he walked past your chair, he paused. His fingers brushed against your shoulder, a fleeting touch. It wasn’t possessive or pleading anymore. Instead, it was a quiet reminder. I’m here. I’m staying. I’m not going to hide anymore.

And for the first time, you truly believed him. Not because he’d said the right thing, not because he was perfect. But because he was trying. 

Because he was human, and he finally saw himself that way. 

-To be continued…

Taglist :

 @hzdhrtss @irisk12 @tayyyystan @seventeen-x @lomlbuckybarnes 

@greatenthusiasttidalwave @avatarofthetimelords @bckynatt @winchestert101 @zemosprincesa 

@nngkay @hiireadstuff @sapphirebarnes @thatesqcrush @bethexo07 

@florie1 @nyutasgirl @coraliix @harrysgothicbitch @jules-and-gemss

@infqnitysblog @isnow-0r-never @roofwitty779 @baw1066 @wasalreadyhere

@cjand10 @greatmistakes @winterslove1917 @calwitch @sebastians-love

@gyllord @brckenmemories @ethereal-witch24 @diffidentphantom

@avatarofthetimelords @lumidotexe @oscarissac2099 @currentfacination @pono-pura-vida

@blackbirdwitch22 @royalwriteroftheuniverse @ayayaeyato @btssaysstudy @unaxv

@otterlycanadian @lifeisbutadream444 @mostlymarvelgirl @ozwriterchick @m1cky-y-y

@ordelixx @jadeofspadesxp @generousmiraclebread @jeremyrennermakesmesmile@titasweetandsour 

@one-lengthiness36 @chimchoom @waitingformysandman @blackhawkfanatic @chaotic-taco-collector-blog

@aurysartstudio @olive-main @purplecolordeer @mrsnikstan @annoyingrebelsoul

@sunnyhummingbee @onelonelybitch @angelichwv @hello-lisa1026 @jason-todd-fangirl-14 

@vickie5446 @portrait-ninja @trocaderoisyummy @walkwithfluffyangels @torntaltos

@dogtorjae @hhiggs @hi172826 @eanthedeadqueen13@starsmoonn 

@notsostrangerthing @wintercrows @chiliwhore @mrsnikstan @bunnygirlwriter876

[dystopicjumpsuit]

Hiatus announcement.

Hi friends. I've got some stuff I need to focus on in my personal life right now, and I'm not able to balance that with keeping up with Tumblr and Discord. I'll be taking a hiatus starting immediately. I'm not sure when I'll be back, but hopefully it won't be too long. If you have submitted a request for a fic, design, or artwork, please know I'll do my absolute best to fill it when I'm back, but for now, I need to be present in my real life.

I love you all, and I'll miss you, and I can't wait to come back! I'll put a few more details below the cut in case you're interested. CW for medical issues.

My partner has been unwell recently, and this week, we discovered that they have a blood clot in their leg. Further testing revealed they have a serious heart condition. Unfortunately, they also have a preexisting vascular condition that makes blood thinners risky, but their PCP went ahead and prescribed a three-month course of medication for the clot since it's an immediate issue. We are waiting to hear if insurance will cover the meds; apparently this prescription gets rejected by insurers frequently due to the cost. (Thinking about the fact that some analyst in a cubicle could decide that my partner's life is worth less than a three-month course of medication is making me feel absolutely sick.)

They have more appointments scheduled with a cardiologist and a vascular surgeon, so for now, we're just kind of stuck in limbo. Their PCP gave us a long list of, "If x happens, go to the emergency room immediately. If y happens, go to the emergency room immediately. If z happens - you guessed it - go to the emergency room immediately."

At this point, I'm still trying to come to terms with it. My partner just turned 44. We have an active lifestyle; we eat healthfully; we don't drink to excess. We just got fucked over by genetic risk factors.

The scariest part is that we wouldn't have found out about any of this if they hadn't gone to the doctor for a completely unrelated issue. I'm trying not to think about it too hard, or my imagination starts to send me into a spiral.

Please allow me to get sappy for a moment:

If you've read much of my work, you probably know my partner better than you might think, as they inspire a lot of my characterization, either directly or indirectly. If you enjoyed the way I wrote Waxer in "The Sixth Language" or Jesse in "In Which Jesse Gets What He Deserves," then you have a good idea of their personality. They are extraordinarily kind and patient, funny and sweet. They have been here for me consistently for twenty years, first as my friend, and later as my everything. They've held me when I cried, and they've made me laugh every single day since I met them. They know me better than anyone in the world, and I trust them with my soul.

They are the only person IRL who even knows that I write fanfiction, and they have read every single fic I've ever written. They've served as my guinea pig when I needed to work through the physical mechanics of a scene, and they've listened to me ramble for hours on end about plotting and characterization. They've supported and encouraged me in this and so many other areas, and now it's my turn to support them through this.

If you've read this far, I just want to say thank you for all the love, support, encouragement, and kindness you've given me over the past year. This fandom community has truly changed my life, and I am more grateful than words can communicate. I hope to see you all again very soon, hopefully with good news. But in the meantime, please know that I love you all.

May the Force be with you. 🩵

[st7arlight]

meet the sims-blackwood family!! this is set post-200 in a new world where the fears are weaker and more hidden in the shadows, but quickly building strength as more avatars and artifacts are born. meet blaire and not-adam, two students in jon’s homeroom and english class!

worldbuilding and brainstorm notes under the cut :D

the student ocs i created here are

-a transfem student who straight up doesnt have a name. you can call her anything but her deadname. its a fun game the class plays. it started as a gag but jon went “yeah okay ive seen weirder and kids deserve a chance to explore” so he comes up with a different name every day during roll call. shes v chaotic and inspired (personality wise, not funky name lore) by an irl friend of mine

-the student she has a crush on and is best friends with, an AP art student who uses they/she pronouns

they both eat lunch in Jon’s classroom, where they eventually notice that he never really eats much? just. reads a book in his free time, maybe has cereal bars occasionally

they form really close bonds with jon and he sponsors their lgbt club,,,, the second student realizes she’s agender when hes explaining the ace spectrum,,,,,, they come across The Horrors that were released when jmart moved on to Somewhere Else and he saves them,,,,,,,,, after they start to understand that “something spooky is here bc of mr sims but he was a victim in it” they sneakily start categorizing what they call “The Horrors” into 9 groups and get into shenanigans. they save jon at some point

their romance follows the plot of jmart’s but jon notices student B treating student A like he did martin at the start of the year and intervenes

so theyre healthier

(maybe jmart adopt student b, as they’re in a rlly unsafe home environment and thats why they started lashing out at their buddy)

at the beginning of the year student A knows shes trans but isnt sure what name to use. her buddy suggests not-adam (as she isnt suuuper uncomfy with her deadname, just that its too masc for her) so they call her that for a good bit and it comes up occasionally until they learn about the fears and the joke kinda. sours.

jon called her anything but that. not-adam thought it was because he didnt want to deadname her (and she insisted she was cool with it and thought it was funny) but she said that he can use a name that isnt adam, just not to stick to one bc she didnt want to feel boxed in

so the joke of her being anything but adam began

!!! WHAT IF NOT ADAM HAS AN ENCOUNTER WITH A STRANGER OBJECT THAT MAKES EVERYONE UNABLE TO SEE OR REMEMBER HER??? AND (character B) IS THE ONLY ONE WHO REMEMBERS HER BUT STILL CANT SEE HER!!!! AND THIS IS HOW JON REVEALS HE KNOWS STUFF ABOUT THE SUPERNATURAL

student b breaks down only a couple days in when she realized something was deeply, truly wrong, earing lunch (seemingly) alone with jon in his classroom. she says something with “not-adam” and “nobody remembers her but me” and jon’s trauma plus eye powers helps break his illusion, even though he doesnt remember her still

WHAT IF THIS IS AROUND WHEN NOT ADAM IS STARTING TO SEE HIM AS A FATHER

he adopts her bc she still legally doesnt exist and her family doesnt remember her , and its not like jmart already have fake identities anyways. they break the curse but everyone but B and Jon are completely wiped of her memory, just can finally see her now. its a mush of stranger, spiral, and lonely bc the horrors work different here

…she eventually settles on a name because she desperately needs to be reminded that they know her, they remember her, and that they remember all of her. (jon doesnt remember *everything* still, but most. every now and then she or B references something and they pause when they realize it was another memory lost to The Horrors)

oh also jon wears combat boots bc of daisy now. unrelated but important

im realizing my plan of them adopting B is a little funky with them adopting not-adam. however, unconventional found family prevails in tma. B just stays at their house most of the time bc she is neglected a lot at home so it usually isnt noticed when she disappears. theyre both 16 so fighting for custody when they can move out so soon is deemed too much stress on the teens. not-adam’s family actually are v loving and great, they just. dont remember NA. they dont remember how to love her, that they ever did

(thats why B needed to remember her. also, the effect intended of the horror was to torture NA until she died unnoticed and she will either be remembered by everyone when her body is found or will rot unseen until shes gone. or become an avatar, if she chose to embrace it. B was an intended victim of the leitner, the fear of nobody believing you and losing someone you love feed the Horrors)

(jon and his funky eye powers are likely the only reason NA didnt die)

in the end A picks the name astrid, but jon still calls her any name he can think of that starts with A when calling her down for food n stuff

anyways jmart unofficially adopting queer teens bc found family is so themcore but i *know* the fates would never allow them to do anything conventionally or fully legal

(all of this copy-pasted from me infodumping in a tma chat in the past couple hours)

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for refusing to get back with an ex?

So i (21m) was in a poly relationship with S (21x) and J (24m) for about a year (so that would be when i was 20, S was 19 and J was 22)

Midway through the relationship i was going through some mental health shit so i kind of subconsciously distanced myself (my bad, i definitely shouldve been upfront about what was happening but i have vulnerability issues)

Dont get me wrong, i wasnt straight up neglectful or anything (to my knowledge?), but i really didnt go out with them as much as i used to (if one of us couldnt attend, the other two would go as a couple. It was more efficient like) and didn't really feel as much "honeymoon" intensity if that makes sense

I think its also important to note that once i was semi-able to pull myself out of my rut i decided to start these big art projects to show my appreciation for them and also kind of make up for my distance, like that shit took up my time and sleep and effort. i felt like i wanted to take the next step from casual dating to something actually serious with a future and everything because getting out of my spiral made me remember how much i loved them

So i called them up and found out that they kind of... kicked me off the polycule?? It was this weird situation where they thought I was leaving them behind so they also fully moved in together and started acting like a regular couple without me. obviously i was pissed, and S apologized and tried to communicate which i really appreciate, but J was just doubling down blaming me. At the time i was so angry i turned it into a full out yelling match

I realized it wasnt healthy nor working out and broke it off fully, telling S we could still be friends but cutting J off entirely. I gave all J's shit that was still at my place back to S, blocked J's number and scrapped my project altogether

Fast forward to present day, and im in a completely unrelated relationship with two people i love with all my heart, and by this time ive healed and mended my relationship with S enough that i thought we could start over and add them to the polycule (to be clear my current partners like them too and are on board). We did do that, it's going great and i'm remembering why i loved S so much in the first place

The issue is that S is still with J, and while J doesn't have any issues with both of us separately dating S, S wants all of us to reunite again for old times sake and its very obvious that theyre still holding onto the old versions of us and what we used to be. I say no, i dont even like J anymore and havent spoken to him in forever so why the hell would i care?? Ive grown and changed so much in the time after our relationship that i wouldnt even fit into the nostalgic mold that you want me to be a part of and i dont think J would either

The thing is J does also seem like hes interested in starting over. S said he's grown a lot since, but i think our personalities just dont mesh and ive also just fallen fully out of love with him. It seems to break S's heart, but they get it and don't bother me about it anymore. On the other hand J respects my decision but is still like passive aggressively annoyed about how seriously i took it, saying it was mostly my fault and i took drastic measures for nothing.

Aita?

What are these acronyms?

[zuzsenpai]

personal post. sorry there's been so many lately. politics mention. verbal abuse mention

Wednesday was rough for A LOT of people, no doubt about it. I was upset and spent the day scrolling through tumblr and talking to friends, grasping at whatever positive messages I could find. A lot of those messages about surviving and living in spite of everything... they did help me. I didn't feel good by the end of the day, but I at least felt loved.

So my mom is 65 and has undiagnosed and unmedicated depression. She's retired and spends a lot of time trying to fill her life with exercise, loom weaving, bible study, book clubs, etc. But she's not a happy person by any means and I can't remember a time in my 36 years of life when she was upbeat or positive in any way. She had a tumultuous childhood filled with a lot of yelling and she had a few traumatic incidents as an adult that she's never gone to therapy for and never will. My mom and I have had pretty bad fights over the years about various things I won't get into, but things had been generally calm recently.

So anyway, on Wednesday evening my dad was out at a basketball game so my mom was alone. I went over there just to kind of be a presence in the house. It was fine for a while, until she brought up the election. She quickly became extremely distraught and started sobbing about how our current government will be overthrown and the US will be a dictatorship and there's nothing to live for. Which, okay. I get it. There are very real possibilities of that happening. But I wanted to try and calm her down. I told her some of the things I had been seeing all day about how they want us to be miserable and have no hope. There are still things to live for and we have to hold those things close. That if I decide to declare everything is over right here and now, then I would have to accept that the rest of my life is going to be miserable forever.

Well she wasn't having any of that. She was very clearly spiraling. I made the colossal mistake of telling her I thought she was catastrophizing and wanted her to calm down. The words came out of my mouth before I could think rationally about what I was saying. Because like... of all days for anyone to be allowed to be distraught and rightfully catastrophize things, Wednesday was it. I just hated seeing her so upset and I guess I wanted it to end.

Well she started screaming at me, which is her right, because I was a shithead. She asked if I thought she didn't have the right to be upset. I tried to apologize and say that of course she has a right to be upset. I just wanted to make it better somehow. She screamed at me to get out of the house. So I left.

I felt like I got my hand burned. I went home and cried until I fell asleep, because I hated how I treated her. It was not lost on me that I was treating her exactly how she's always treated me every time I got upset around her, over the course of my entire life. Instead of listening or being sympathetic, she would try to "fix" the problem, or tell me I'm just crying because I want sympathy, or tell me I'm overreacting. I was told I was overreacting A LOT as a kid and teen. I never got sympathy from her. Ever.

My dad texted me about something unrelated about an hour ago, asking me to pick something up at their house. This was the first time I'd spoken with either of them since that incident on Wednesday. I responded by saying I was concerned about coming over because I was worried mom was angry with me. He told me she's "over it", which... who knows if that's true. There are seemingly minor things I've said to her that she takes to heart and brings up for decades. So you'll have to excuse me if I don't believe she's "over it". Then my dad said:

"Remember she gets emotional then feels bad about it later. You just have to be careful about telling her not to be upset about something. Apparently that happened a lot when she was young."

Yeahhh..... so now I feel even more like shit, and like I said something she's going to take to heart forever. In hindsight, I should have been sympathetic. I know people in her childhood household yelled at each other a lot. I guess it's not a huge leap to think that she was verbally abused and told her emotions weren't valid. I just.... wish that cycle didn't continue from her to me... and apparently now from me back to her. I am notorious for having a hard time thinking before speaking. So uhhhhh I really need to do better.

[borderline-culture-is]

(MAJOR CW: RAPE, ABLEISM, THE MELANIE MARTINEZ AND PUMPKIN THE GENTLEMAN SITUATIONS, SUICIDE THREATS, PSYCH WARDS) --- bpd culture is making a tony crynight discord server out of spite because nobody in the already-existing server seems to understand wtf having bpd is actually like and how to properly communicate boundaries with someone who has bpd

Context:

(disclaimer: some details may be inaccurate because I don't 100% remember what happened, and I'm trying to recall it to the best of my ability)

in the first server, I was talking about the pumpkin the gentleman situation because I was frustrated at how people were handling it(mainly through unneeded jokes about a particular video that had nothing to do with the overall situation), and at first, everyone was agreeing with me on what I said, but after I brought up the melanie martinez situation (because the same shit was happening to that situation too, mainly calling her "felony fartinez" and the ungodly amount of rape threats getting thrown around), they started to switch up on me and even started to make jokes about the ptg situation themselves just to confirm that their opinion changed.

Frustrated, I ended up leaving the server and blocking a few people that were in the server, splitting from them in the process, and I was left emotionally dysregulated for the rest of the day afterwards.

A few hours later, I unblocked one of my friends and apologized to him for what happened, and he said I was allowed to come back as long as I didn't talk about the ptg situation because everyone was uncomfortable with talking about it entirely.

Now, I know this probably sounds unreasonable, and I'm not saying he was in the wrong for this because he didn't know what happened himself, but I feel like the people in the server should've just communicated beforehand that they weren't comfortable with the discussion of the ptg situation, instead of pretending to agree up untill the mention of the melanie martinez situation, because that just sounds like they switched up on me to trigger me on purpose, so naturally, that set me off, like a lot.

So I got back on the server and started mass-blocking everyone, and then I left after that. The stress from that + some unrelated stuff that was going on sent me into a spiral that led to me threatening to kill myself (and just to clarify: when it happened I was experiencing suicidal urges, so yes, I was actually gonna go through with it). I put an end date in my bio on all of my social medias and left it at that.

Two of the people from the server tried messaging me, but because i was in a split from them, I told them to fuck off and leave me alone. This will be important later.

I'm just honestly lucky that I had an irl friend who was staying the night that day, because they saw what was going on and went to check up on me, same with my mom and sister. That, and also seeing ptg's apology video where he explained a few things and took accountability for the things he did wrong, helped me calm down and regulate to a point where I could think logically. Realizing what I just did, I decided that maybe it was time for me to get help.

So after a bit, I came back to the server and apologized for what happened, and let everyone know that I was voluntarily admitting myself to the psych ward because I realized the mental state I was in was getting worse.

Let's just say people weren't too happy about it, because they all started to chew me out, mostly through condescending comments and yelling at me over what happened. This caused me to dysregulate again, and I tried everything I could to get them to understand what I was going through, while repeatedly saying that I was sorry because I didn't want the friends I genuinely cared about to leave me (abandonment issues am I right). I brought up how I was getting admitted to the psych ward, and one of them said "great for you" in a condescending tone, just as an example of the condescension being thrown around in there. They were also telling me that I was trying to manipulate them because of the amount of times I said "i'm sorry."

one of my friends was trying to de-escalate the situation, but the people in the server kept pushing and making it worse. I eventually left the server crying, and the friends in question was comforting me the whole time, which helped me a lot.

I took some time to reflect on what happened while I was at the ward, and even after I was discharged, and after a few weeks, I realized that it wasn't entirely my fault, and in fact, it's no big surprise why I did what I did.

the people in the server manipulated me into believing that I could trust them with whatever opinion I had in mind, and then they decided to switch up on me with no warning, triggering me into an episode that led me to do something bad and out of character (because before this I haven't threatened myself since 2023), and then they blamed me for what happened, further worsening my mental state.

If that doesn't sound like reactive abuse, idk what does.

The reason why I say that is because they KNEW I had bpd, I disclosed it to everyone the same day I got diagnosed, and they all acted supportive of it, and then used that to their advantage when I was at my most vulnerable to emotional dysregulation.

Of course, I'm aware that threatening suicide isn't okay regardless, and it's triggering for some people, but at the same time, I couldn't think logically when it happened, so obviously I acted in a way that was unreasonable. I am trying to work on myself a bit more to prevent something like that from happening again, and I'm also taking mood stabilizers to help with the emotional dysregulation.

I'm just extremely frustrated at how stigmatized BPD is, because I feel like what happened was because of the stigma, and what they did just basically contributed to it, and I also feel like some of them were uneducated about bpd, which also contributed to what happened. But overall i'm still shaken from what happened, and I'd rather not be associated with that server anymore.

They did end up banning me after what happened, so in retaliation, I made my own server, which has better security measures and more strict rules regarding ableism and triggering content than the last one. A few of my friends are currently in that server, and I'm planning to publish the official link for it here on Tumblr and on youtube after I post this.

Constructive criticism on this question is welcome, because I want to know if I was in the wrong here, and if so if there are things I can do to improve myself should I be in another situation like this.

All I can say anymore is this: Niko, go fuck yourself. <3

.

[sarahscribbles]

It might be Valentine's Day this week, but tomorrow is the vastly superior Galentine's Day and I couldn't let it pass without showing all my amazing computer friends how important you all are to me. I'm so grateful for you all and the porn we all share together. It warms my heart like nothing else.

I've written you all a lil something because I love you all so, so much

Love, Saz 💕

@cake-writes I begrudgingly recognise that you are a pal, even if you bully me relentlessly. My only issue is that you live so far away in upside down land so I can't see your eccentric gay ass in person. You have been an amazing friend to me over the past year and helped me through some really dark times. Talking with you makes my day and any time we don't talk for whatever reason, I'm always by my phone like "I miss Bri." I love you so much and I hope you feel it all the way in Oz.

@the-lady-amphitrite Amphi, you know how much I adore you. I can't go a single day without speaking to you and I wouldn't ever want to. I don't know what I did to deserve you as a friend, but I am giving thanks to the universe that our paths crossed. You are unhinged, but in the best way that I would never want to change. You listen to me be a whore 99.9% of the time (and also in the other 0.1% where I'm ranting/crying/exploding over something completely unrelated), and I get to be one of the first people to hear what goes on in that whorish brain of yours. You are a joy to know and I wouldn't choose anyone else to be an unhinged whore with.

@muertawrites My OG Tumblr pal. The one and only first friend. I would be lost without you always in my corner and always encouraging me to be the best whore I can be. You're always ready to drop everything to listen to me vent about my Latest Problem and I don't tell you enough how much I appreciate it. You are so strong and so amazing and damn if I'm not lucky to have someone like you on the other end of a DM while we go through the horrors of figuring out our 20s. I love you so much!

@muddyorbsblr One of my New Friend Recruits that I'm endlessly grateful for. Talking with you is like being wrapped in a warm blanket while drinking hot chocolate. You're absolutely an enabler but I wouldn't have it any other way! You're so encouraging with my porn even though it's killed you multiple times and I appreciate your dedication to the cause. You never fail to provide the filth and I thank you for that. You're hilarious and fantastic and talented and I'm so glad I get to call you my friend!

@cheekyscamp AYOOO my fellow rear enthusiast! You are also completely unhinged daily in my DMs but I actively encourage this! And the talent you possess?! Outstanding! You have a freaking heart of gold and Lord am I glad you decided you wanted to interact with my dumb ass! I love whoring out with you even if I do lose a little bit of my sanity each time. I can't wait to see what this friendship brings!

@springdandelixn My Beans! You are just all round amazing and talented and fierce and I love you so, so much. You've listened to all my silly vents without complaint and been the voice of reason every single time that's saved me from spiralling and making a mountain out of a molehole. I don't know what I would do without you! You're always ready to throw hands on my account and I want to send you the biggest, tightest hug for being on my side. Keep on moosin'!

@joyful-enchantress Steph, my love! You've been with me since almost day one of my Loki days and I'm so glad of it! I don't think you have a bad bone in your body, and I am so infinitely grateful for all the support you've given me (including photos of London when I've been feeling down)! I always love talking with you and hearing the filthy ideas that come out of your head, and I'm so thankful that you decided to start writing and let us see how talented you are! You're a wonderful person inside and out!

@mochie85 Mochie, you are a delight! Honestly, I couldn't find one bad thing to say about you if someone paid me to. You are endlessly supportive and uplifting and beautiful and so damn talented! How did I get so lucky to have so many talented friends? You're someone I look up to and try to be like - effortlessly kind and just an all round good egg. I love you so much, my dear!!

@give-me-a-moose Cas, I love you so much. You might not know it, but HoC got me out of such a bad writing slump last year, so I credit you with the filth that followed! You have been so supportive both with my writing and with other shit that's been going on and I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me! I know I keep parroting this, but you're amazing and I'm so lucky to have you as a friend. You can make me laugh so easily and reading about your work escapades always puts me in a good mood (praying that you find your museum dad soon)!

@lokisgoodgirl I know we only talk sporadically and briefly (and even then it hasn't been without some bumps), but it's plain as day that you have a good heart (and an equally filthy mind that we're all thankful for). You're the reason I've met so many wonderful people on here and I'm so thankful for it. I can only hope that there are no more bumps along the way because you're the type of person that everyone needs in their life. (Though I'm still going to beat you at that dance off).

@fictive-sl0th Camille, you are without a doubt one of the kindest souls I have ever met. You are a human rainbow! Anytime I see you in my notifications my mood increases by 110% because I know it's going to be something that will make me smile (something you have never yet failed to do)! I want to bottle you up and keep you with me all the time! You're wonderful and talented and a little ray of light in so many people's lives!

@simplyholl You've been in my notifications from almost day one of the Loki shenanigans so I've considered you a friend for a very long time! I don't know how someone can be equal parts incredibly sweet and a complete whore but you manage to do it perfectly! You've also supported me through so much shit and I can't thank you enough for it. I'm sending you a massive hug (I'd send you Loki if I could) for everything you've done for me over the past ? years. You are a wonderful human being!

@maple-seed Maple, you are also completely unhinged and I adore it. You make me laugh so much and when your name pops up in the server my first thought is "oh yeah this gonna be good!" You're another New Friend Recruit that I'm glad to have in the ranks! You deserve all the good things (because you are a good thing) and I love you so much!

@loopsisloops I freaking adore you, Loops! You keep me feeling young and hip, but also prevent the whore in me from dying with all the thirst traps and photos you never run out of! You're a sweetheart with a heart of gold and I hope everyone in your life knows how amazing you are. (If they treat you than anything less than amazing I will fight them)!

@kinky-faerie I am so glad you have managed to find your way into my corner of this hellsite. You are full of filth and I wouldn't have it any other way! I love nothing more than checking this app first thing in the morning and seeing your name in my inbox because I know it's going to set the horny mood for the rest of the day! You are my favourite kinky lil fairy!

@lokiprompts You are so strong and amazing I can't put it into proper words. You never fail to be positive and supportive and every compliment you've given me has made me grin like a complete idiot. I hope you get all the love you deserve and all the love you put out into the universe because you deserve it tenfold!

@coldnique Girl, you are just all kinds of lovely! You have such a kind heart and I couldn't find one bad thing to say about you. You're always popping up with your hilarious comments when I need a little bit of a mood booster and my day instantly improves! I'm so freaking grateful that you're one of my Regulars now and just know that I adore you!!

@holymultiplefandomsbatman my fellow sub!Loki enthusiast! You are a delight to know and an amazing friend to have. Your mind is wonderful as are you as a person! You are so incredibly smart and capable and I wish you knew that! I'll tell you every single day if I have to. There's nothing you can't do and I fully believe you are going to shake the world! How you manage to find time to write such amazing filth while also being a bad bitch getting your degree is beyond me and I bow to you! You are going to do amazing things, I have no doubt! I love you so incredibly much and I can't wait to see what amazing filth that brain of yours comes up with next!

[fallenwhumpee]

Why howdy!! 'Tis I, :D anon, unable to resist the call of the arrow that has struck me thusly. Anyway here you go :)) dw I have put one (1) bandaid on the wound upon removal. I see no way that can go wrong.

-

In Leader's defense, Teammate looked like shit.

What else were they supposed to do? They were the captain, after all, and Teammate did just recover from a nasty infection. They couldn't risk catching the bug going around this time of year. So of course Leader coaxed them into their bedroom, quietly making sure Caretaker kept an eye on them while they took Teammate's work into their own hands.

(Besides, if Caretaker was busy with Teammate, that meant they couldn't pester Leader with stuff like "resting" and "holy shit, Leader, put the coffee down!" as if either were viable options.)

The clock on their desk had been turned face down. The term "plausible deniability" flit through their head. They slammed a metaphorical flyswapper on it immediately.

No light was filtering through their curtains anymore, but that was fine. The sun was setting early these days, anyway. Besides, the reports weren't going to do themselves. Teammate's portion was finally finished, and they set it aside to do their own work.

(If they winced as they moved, nobody was there to see it.)

It was standard stuff they expected to see after being rescued: injury reports, health leave, etc, etc. It was all perfectly mundane deskwork, especially in comparison to what Whumper had--

No, nope, not thinking about that. Focus, Leader, they scolded themself. Deep breath in, deep breath out. If they had to do it through their mouth and ignore their screaming ribs, then so be it.

Distantly, they were aware that if any other member of the team tried to pull this sort of stunt, they would've suspended them from their duties and put them on bedrest faster than Whumper could--

No! They weren't supposed to be thinking about that! They shouldn't. Just head down, focus on their work. If they couldn't even do that, how else could they help their team? No, they couldn't give into that weakness. It was just a report. They could do this without having to stifle these irrational thoughts about-- about the past few months. They had to, or they'd spiral, and that would do nobody any favours.

Getting up only to dim the lights (to save power, they told themself. It had nothing to do with their head), Leader continued to work as the moon climbed higher into the sky, trading places with the sun.

(And if they simply curled up on the floor of their office after finishing the report, unable to make it to their room... well, hopefully nobody would notice.)

-

Tada :)) first snippet of the new year I suppose :D happy new year btw!! Gotta love starting my new year with some leader whumpees who try too hard

Also, totally unrelated to the whole "struck by an arrow" thing, but is it just me or is the room spinning

Hi, dear anon!

Oh wow. Just... just the hypocrisy. The hypocrisy and denial. Those two things will never fail to give me good whumperflies. And overworking can always distract you from every unpleasant thought crawling through the edges of your brain. Focusing on something is like putting a shadow or drawing a curtain over everything. They still stay there, but you don't see, only until your eyes get used to dark— starting to do the job automatically in this case. And sleeping on the floor is awful, they will be so sore when they wake up (with a nightmare would be delicious, but poor leader seems to have enough demons to deal with, since it's possible that they will feel guily about not completing the work anyway)

Happy New Year to you, too! You chose the best way to start the year :) I also posted traitor as my first writing of the year hehehe.

Please go lay down! I may not be a mama bear like a caretaker but I won't stop bullying a friend to rest/sleep/eat/get hydrated. If you hadn't done any of that in the last two hours, go and do it. Take care of yourself, please.

[liliesinrequiem]

Promise

A/N: I wrote this so long ago and then only edited it recently. Recently got back into JJBA since I’m rewatching it. Anyways, I hope that y’all enjoy.

Pairing: Joseph Joestar x Reader

Summary: Joseph Joestar, your fiancé, swore that he would come back to you no matter as he goes off on his own journey.

CW: None

You fiddled with the ring on your hand. A promise of the future that was to come with Joseph. You’d started fiddling with the ring ever since he had proposed. Joseph had a way of making your blood pressure rise so much that you feared that one day, he’d be the death of you. It seemed that he did things without fully thinking them through as to whether or not they could actually work. You shakily looked up at your fiancé as he spoke about his goal of going to Mexico to learn more about Speedwagon’s situation. As if everything he had just said wasn’t the most bizarre thing ever. 

“Mexico, huh?” you quietly said. Internally, all the potential things that could go wrong were spinning in your head. Joseph could get hurt or lost or die or who knows what. There were endless possibilities and none of them made you happy. Besides, he’d be so far away. 

A reassuring smile graced his face and you knew that he had figured out all your concerns. He always read you like a book. “I know you’re worried, (Y/N). But I swear to you that I’ll come back to you. I won’t die on you, okay?” he said gently. Joseph rarely made promises. Ever. If he ever did make a promise, you knew that it was something important. 

“You swear it?” you asked cautiously. He nodded. Joseph lied sometimes, but about mundane things. Like that one time that he swore up and down that he hadn’t eaten that slice of cake you had badly wanted while he had the frosting on his cheek. But you also knew that he wasn’t one to treat your concerns lightly. If he swore to come back, he would. 

As you thought, his arms tightly wrapped around you. “You think too much, you know?” You burst into tears as he held you. Being in his arms made your fears worse because what if this was the last time that he held you? He was certain of himself. Too certain. You couldn’t stop yourself from worrying that he wouldn’t come back to you and that he would die. You couldn’t hold back the spiraling thoughts that he could encounter something far worse than Straizo. Something in your heart told you that there was something far worse out there. What if Joseph never returned? You didn’t know what you would do if anything ever happened to him.

You pulled back a little and looked him in the eyes. “Y-you better come back to me, Jojo! If you don’t…I’ll never forgive you,” you said through tears. 

He laughed. He quickly kissed your forehead before he fully pulled away from you. His absence was greatly felt as you missed the warmth. “I’ll be back. Don’t worry your pretty little head too much,” he cheerily said. He always seemed to shrug off big things as if they were little. As if he could always conquer everything. Truthfully, as much as you stressed out about him, you did believe in Joseph. Irrationally so. 

Even as your legs shook as he bid Erina goodbye, you chose to believe in him. Joseph would come back to you.

He always did.

— —

Waiting for any sign of him would prove to be a test of patience. Every time a telegram would arrive at the Joestar residence, you would nearly fall over to get it and read it. Only to find out that it’s something unrelated to Joseph. When the first telegram of his arrived, you had nearly tripped over your feet trying to reach Erina. “Erina,” you happily said through tears. “Jojo’s okay! He even found Speedwagon! He’s okay!” The old lady’s tears mirrored yours as the two of you read over the telegram. You memorized every word in the telegram and read it in his voice. The very end of the telegram sent his love to the two of you. Your heart felt like it mended a little as you read it over and over again.

The following telegram was more of a surprise. “Erina,” you said as you walked into the residence. “Smokey!” Your eyes were focused on the telegram that confused you. You barely looked up to see the two people you had called as you thought. “Apparently, Jojo and Speedwagon have gone off to Italy…with no information as to why,” you said. The telegram, evidently written by Speedwagon as he signed it off, had barely any details. You handed it over to Erina and looked at Smokey in confusion. “What do they have to do in Italy?” you wondered.

“Well, whatever it is, I am sure that it is important,” said Erina quietly. The feelings that you all shared hung in the air without being said. Erina quietly grabbed both yours and Smokey’s hands and brought them to her. “We must remain hopeful. We must.” The two of you nodded with her. For her sake, you swallowed your own fears. 

The following telegram, multiple days later was one from Joseph. “Everyone!” alerted Smokey as he waved the telegram around. “Jojo sent a telegram! He’s doing great!” He handed the telegram over to you and Erina as the two of you read over it. You felt tears in your eyes as he told all of you that he was okay. He was okay. That’s what mattered the most to you.

The next telegram was more confusing than the one that Speedwagon first sent. “Smokey. Speedwagon wants you to join him in Italy,” you said as you walked into the dining room. The telegram had been something late at night and very sudden. Speedwagon had hastily written it based on how quick and short it was. You handed it over to Smokey and shrugged. “I don’t know why.” 

“That’s odd,” said Smokey. “But…if Mr. Speedwagon is asking me to go, then I’ll go.” You bit your lip and fiddled around with your ring. Joseph had sent nothing to you and Speedwagon had specified that you were to stay with Erina. Was the situation that serious? You didn’t know. You just had to hope that if Smokey was going, that things were getting resolved in some way.

— —

The news of his death had shattered you. You’d done your best to keep yourself together for Erina’s sake as you knew that it was much harder on her. But you’d spent every single night since the news hit in shambles. You’d fall asleep sobbing and wake up empty. Every night was lonelier than the last. The ring on your finger, his final gift to you, weighed heavily on your hand. 

You numbly looked at the gravestone in front of you. Joseph Joestar. It didn’t feel real. It truly didn’t. You quietly sobbed as the Priest spoke. His words were meaningless to you as you knew that something had died inside of you. No one could replace it. All dreams of a future had slipped entirely from your grasp and were buried into the ground alongside the one man you loved. A piece of you had died with Joseph. 

In the midst of mourning, you felt a set of arms wrap around you tightly. “(Y/N), why is everyone crying? Who are we mourning?” asked a familiar voice. You froze before slowly turning your head upwards. A shadow towered over you and part of you wondered if you had finally lost it. Maybe the lack of sleep and too much crying was getting to you. The towering shadow was none other than Joseph Joestar. “JOJO?!” you loudly exclaimed as he let go of you and held his left ear.

“You don’t have to scream,” he said as he laughed. He looked at everyone’s surprised faces and he frowned. “Why do all of you look like you’ve seen a ghost?” 

“You’re not dead?” you asked him as you got close to him. Your hand reached out to grip his arm. He was real. Your hand didn’t go through him. Joseph was alive. More tears sprung forth as you realized that he was alive.

“Dead? Why would I be dea-” His eyes trailed over to the gravestone and he frowned. “Suzi Q! Don’t tell me that you forgot to send the telegram!” You looked over his shoulder and saw a blonde woman appearing from the car. She giggled nervously.

“I-I might’ve…” she said. You looked at Joseph and the frown on his face had gotten worse. You lightly pulled his arm to get his attention. He turned back to you and his face softened.

“It seems that we know why you all thought I was dead,” he said. You flung your arms around him and clung onto him tightly. His arms wrapped around you tightly. You had missed the feeling.

“Don’t you ever do that to me again!” you sobbed into his shoulder. “I thought you were dead!” 

“I did promise you that I wouldn’t die, didn’t I?” he said. “The world would have to try harder to separate me from you.” You lifted your head to look at him. Even through tears, you could still see his brilliant smile.

Joseph had kept his promise.

[mugiwara--ya]

heyyy hi a little life/med update !!

ive been super super busy these past couple weeks w a ton of socialization etc and ngl i think i burned myself out lol last night after we got back home from a con (and the bar stop after it) i had a massive shutdown that lasted hours and im still reeling from it, but ANYWAYS!! med update med update wooo

so! on top of the lifesaving bupropion ive been taking all year & the eszopiclone for sleep i finally !! got put on something for my ocd, lets give it up for fluoxetine to join my beautiful, beautiful cocktail, mwah 💖💝💗💕💞💓

i know it supposedly takes a few weeks to fully Work but im already feeling a MASSIVE difference right off the bat, like yesterday i was at the mall and i ✨ touched the escalator's handrail ✨ i was literally so excited i kept looking at my hand going yoooooo im DOING it im making it HAPPEN like even my friends congratulated me on it kdsfjhakjg it felt silly but massive at the same time lol and of course i still immediately disinfected my hands but the important thing is that I Did It

and idk its like!!! i knew it was BAD like especially these past few months its been just. VIOLENTLY out of control but god the absolute relief ive been feeling is making me feel like i was still grossly underestimating it, it had completely taken over my life. right now its like, i encounter any random trigger and i brace myself for the anxiety spiral to come and then it DOESN'T and its so ??? like i still have The Thought but then i just go "ok" and dismiss it like an annoying notification and thats IT, while the last time i was on therapy i literally described my ocd as having hundreds of those cymbal-banging monkey toys of different sizes just sitting there in my brain Waiting and every single time i got triggered one of them would start losing its absolute shit - for example if im at the supermarket, on top of the everything about existing as an autistic person at the supermarket, thered be like a dozen of them constantly going ALERT ALERT CONTAMINATION CONTAMINATION EEK EEK DANGER DANGER BANG BANG BANG- and now the monkeys r GONE. get turned into mostly-dismissable phone notifs, idiots !!!!!!!!!

the only monkey im willingly keeping!!!!! is the low poly 3d model of monkey d. luffy constantly rotating in my brain <3 kfngskjdfs

also like i still do like, say, my cleaning rituals when i get back home, but idk i just. i feel Normal about it?? like calmly wiping my phone bc phones r Gross and not bc i literally see a green film of Germs And Various Pathogens enveloping it lol. anddd i havent been attacked by violent intrusive thoughts in a minute !! lets see if it stays that way. im generally super sensitive to medications too so im on low doses of everything and i wanna keep it like that lol so heres to hoping it keeps goin like this so i dont have to up my dose 8)

uhh thats about it ! having a bit of Personal Issues tm at the moment tho but im so relieved abt my ocd i kinda have the bandwidth to deal with them lol. i prolly jus need some sleep quiet and to not be perceived by anyone for a solid week.

in other lighter and unrelated news my queue is completely empty rn so it'll be just a liiiittle quiet around here for a bit but ! yeah. also i just watched the latest op anime episode and urhgrhghrghrgh it was so good hhh <3333 so yah if you read this whole thing i am giving you a little kiss on the forehead, mwah, hope you have a great week !!

[magnorious]

Frozen 2 is still a sequel that exists

Requested by @valentinerose529

If Disney released the BTS of all their terrible movies and bravely showed how such nonsensical plots came to be, with the best of intentions by the creators, people might have a softer take on disappointments like this. Frozen 2 isn’t a movie I was waiting for (certainly not for six years). I wasn’t a little kid obsessed with Elsa and I got really tired of all the music really quickly.

The only thing about this movie I was excited for was the new music, and based on the BTS, that’s the only thing they were banking on. So, with that in mind, this movie is just so confused with what it wants to be, I can’t even be mad at it for existing. It’s not the cultural juggernaut the original was, it came and went without much pain and hopefully there won’t be a third.

I probably have the same burning question so many other people who don’t like this movie have: You had five years to write this movie, and this is what you did with it?

There's certainly things I have problems with: Kristoff's stupid "Lost in the Woods," rinsing and repeating the "Elsa freaks out and vanishes and Anna must go save her (or nearly die trying)," plot, the botched twist reveal of the rewritten history, the underbaked development with the mom character to the point where Elsa was bawling at the sight of her during "Show Yourself" and I just did not care because the movie didn't do enough to make me care, and the self-depricating references to the hype of the original, making fun of fans' earnest enjoyment of an insanely popular movie, was in poor taste.

—

Unlike Pixar’s bad movies, where the plots beats and story elements are so interconnected that certain pieces can’t really be good in isolation, this movie actually does have really strong individual moments—the songs (“Into the Unknown” is still my favorite), Anna’s depressive spiral in the cave, the concept of the rewritten history, the new character designs, the concept of elemental winter spirits and Elsa being one of them—these are all great in isolation.

Put them together and they’re a hot mess. They wrote, performed, animated, and edited all the songs before settling on a story, and thus had to write their story around these really unrelated songs (quite similar to the first one, actually), and this is the result. It’s not a bad movie in that it’s unwatchable. It’s disappointing, confusing, and a little underwhelming. It’s not awful, because it’s not pretending that it’s amazing. It knows what it is, unlike the first one.

Thus, I don’t have strong opinions about it. I will still rewatch “Into the Unknown” on YouTube and everything with AURORA in it is great. The movie started out very strong, they just should have picked one of those plot threads to go with and make it a streamlined plot instead of mashing all these conflicting beats together.

The elemental spirits, the backstory with their mom that was sorely missing in the original, this uncreatively-named Enchanted Forest, the rewritten history—all of these deserved their own movies. Mashing them together like this leaves all of them underbaked and the story very scatterbrained. Heck, I’m shocked Disney hasn’t created a Frozen TV show to explore all those ideas and slapped it on Disney +. A little six-episode limited series, perhaps even with cheap 2D animation to plop your kids and die-hard Disney Adults down in front of for three hours.

The movie is better than the ride at Epcot, though, I’ll give it that.

[ysabelmystic]

My brain is building dream lore again

I don't remember if I posted this before but if I did that post is lost to the void of tumblr's broken navigation so I guess I'm starting from the top.

So back in fucking August,I had a dream that felt extremely real and made perfectly good sense until I thought about it, but even after thinking about it, it did have something of a coherent plot-line.

I was back in college getting my English degree (but not the college I went to), and the year was 1981. For reasons related to Ursula K LeGuin that I do not recall, my professor made us do this project that involved digging up the corpses of two famous philosophers/politicians/writers/etc and somehow relate/compare the state of their decomposition to their ideologies. For the second part, we had to dig up two more people (famous or no), who's existences somehow contrasted the ideals of the first two. Then we would analyze their corpses and write a paper about the whole thing. We did this in groups of four.

Now we were all very anxious about doing this, but this was worth a large percentage of our grade. Our professor assured us that we wouldn't be caught if we stole the bodies and buried them at another site since it would somehow be easier to make the graves look undisturbed. My group picked a new burial spot in the middle of the woods about five miles away from a small suburb (and unrelated until the sequel, one mile away from a haunted baseball field). We got a change of clothes, plastic bags, a bunch of cleaner, etc, and set out to acquire the corpses. Because dream-logic, the first body we stole was the partially mummified corpse of Immanuel Kant. Two stayed behind to clean up. Me and another person transported the bodies and after documenting our findings and taking photos for the other two, we buried them.

The next month was uneventful, but when it came time to gather the second pair, things started falling apart. We decided that the corpses we would gather were a famous ballet dancer (name unknown) and a random child. Of course, two people were very conflicted about this, and were very upset when my partner and I chose to dig up the old graves and throw the new bodied on top of the old ones. There was a big fight, but ultimately, we left, wrote our papers, turned everything in....everything was fine.

Until two weeks later, someone found the bodies. The police were sure it was a prank for some reason, so were taking a while to investigate, but word had gotten around that some kids had found four crosses in the middle of the woods.

Because someone had gone back and put crosses at the graves. So of course, we started spiraling into paranoia and arguing about who did it. One person wanted to confess to the police. They "committed suicide" that night, and the next morning, another group member vanished. This left me and my grave-digging partner.

We decided that since it was inevitable that the police would find the bodies, we decided that the best way to clear our names would be to frame the English professor. So we went back to the graves, dug up the bodies, did a little extra dismemberment to make it more manageable, and drove them to our professor's house.

We took one arm per person. The door was unlocked so we let ourselves in. We went to the professor's bathroom and closet and started touching everything with the corpse-arms. Unfortunately, his wife was there. Fortunately, they were in the middle of a divorce. I came up with the idea to say that I was having explosive diarrhea and was in the area, and she believed it (and was happy to let me wreck his bathroom).

We finished our work and then went outside. It was trash day so the cans were on the curb, and our professor's was only half-full. We started throwing the bodies in when my professor pulled up in his car. Again, we were lucky. He was drunk. My partner said we were cleaning up Halloween decorations that his wife had thrown on the lawn, and he bought it. The trash truck drove by and picked up the bodies, and my partner and I made out aggressively by the empty trashcans. Then, we fled to Canada, and then I woke up.

(Unrelated but my professor's deranged son who ate wires tried to fight us but ended up chasing the trash truck because he smelled old TVs).

Now, in theory, this would be the end of it. But sometimes my brain likes to incorporate old elements to the level that I now have "dream lore". This ended up being one of those times.

PART 2

Halfway on our ride to Canada, we decided that we were probably being hasty, and it wasn't worth it to abandon our grades for the semester. After all, we still had finals to take.

When we got back, the case progressed quite slowly. The police did eventually visit the graves, but since we had refilled the holes after digging up the bodies, they found nothing except a couple of scraps of clothing and a single tooth. This didn't give them much to work with, so though an investigation was opened, they didn't have an immediate explanation. We took our finals, got our degrees, graduated. Because the investigation had caused housing prices in the nearby suburb to tank, we bought a house there. In fact, we bought an oddly-built 3-story house at the edge of the woods. It was obscenely cheap, but was also covered in Mickey Mouse and Elvis memorabilia, so we figured that that was why it had been empty for years.

Of course, anyone who's ever seen a horror movie knows where this is going. That shit was haunted. We were having nightmares. The mickey mouse heads would start singing Elvis songs at random. Cabinets were flying open...it was a whole thing. More interestingly, the baseball field had been recently abandoned. No one knew why, except it was now covered in a mess of tall, very aggressive weeds and grass and anyone who went there got the intense feeling of impending doom. Hikers who used the woods also reported becoming anxious and disoriented, sometimes waking up in completely different areas.

(Fun fact: the haunted baseball field has appeared at least three other times in my dreams. I believe this instance is the earliest in the timeline, as later instances have a much more post-apocalypse kind of vibe)

It seemed fairly obvious that clearly, something was up with the graves. At this point, a few months had passed. The police weren't really watching the crime scene. It was fairly safe to investigate. So we took our gear and went off in the middle of the night to do some digging.

We didn't expect to exhume bodies, but lo and behold, we got about a foot down into each grave's surface when the bodies appeared. It wasn't our original bodies either. There was just a mass of corpses, and they were all spilling out...like y'know in Minecraft if you spawn a bunch of mobs in a box and then once you open the box they kinda explode out? That's what it was like. It was weird as hell. Then, naturally, it got really cold, and we became extremely anxious. Suddenly, we were in the center of the baseball field. The sky was completely black. No stars, no moon, nothing. Just a never-ending field. A large black dog materialized out of nowhere, but it did not attack us. Instead, it delivered its terms.

I don't remember the exact details, but basically, the whole area, especially that house, was already haunted as fuck. By transplanting the bodies we'd picked up Bad Vibes. By digging up the earth, we'd allowed a place for evil spirits to manifest in the land. By moving into the house, we'd heightened the power of the spirits. This was all linked to some spiritual fuckery that an occult organization had performed at the university. The only way they (and we) could be released was by finding diamonds and gold-dust on university property, a specific coin that could only be given by catholic priests, and a small disk picturing a woman in a white dress playing in a field with her dog that was hidden on the 8th floor of the school library...which didn't technically exist).

Because dream logic, we decided that the best way to find precious gems/metals on the university property would be to pan for gold. It was winter break, so the campus was mostly empty. My roommate agreed to search the grounds. I still had a library pass, and there was some legend about there being gold hidden in the dustiest of library books, so I figured out some way to pan for the stuff without damaging the books.

When I arrived, I ended up using some back entrance instead of the main entrance. I hadn't seen that entrance before, but maybe it was a shortcut, right?

(Fun fact: The library near the has appeared several times but gets increasingly stranger and more decrepit. The fact that it was this established adds proof that it was earlier in the timeline.)

And luckily, that was the right decision. I went down a moldy hallway with stained wood floors and found a single concrete staircase at the end of it. The staircase went up in a spiral, with a never-ending hole at its center. To my dismay, it ended at the top (fifth) floor. But when I entered that floor, I was in a section of the library that I'd never seen before. It was a small room with shelves of ancient books. In the middle was a single desk, and in its chair was a taxidermy orangutan in a dusty lab coat. On the other side was an open door leading to more concrete stairs. Except now, the walls were covered in old-fashioned gold and floral wallpaper.

I thought I was alone, but as I was almost at the eighth floor, a woman with glasses and a vaguely Edwardian black dress appeared in front of me. She didn't let me pass at first, but somehow, we fell into conversation. I did eventually leave, but I came back the next day, and we talked again, until I left and returned, and so on and so forth... we grew attached to each other, and one day, she led me to the 8th floor. She brought me a trough of water, and together, we meticulously removed the dust from the books. This was difficult since they were heavily damaged, but we did it with minimal damage.

Time didn't pass in that room, so I was probably there for an equivalent of months. During this time, of course, we fell in love. We panned through the dust together and indeed we found diamonds, emeralds, rubies, and gold dust. She said I needed much more than what I initially came for because the priests would only trade those coins for these gems from the 8th floor. She also told me that I couldn't simply bring the gold and diamonds to the baseball field, but that it needed to have been *inside* a priest. She knew this information because she'd formerly been a part of the original occult order. She'd had a relationship with a specific priest. He was the one who had bound her to that floor.

I also found the disk. It was hidden in a false book (the inside had been cut out). I don't know why I didn't tell her about it. I simply pocketed it.

She'd never died, so she planned to come with me when I left. Once I had what I needed, we descended the stairs. We entered the room with the orangutan. She followed me to the other side and down the next set of stairs, and then, suddenly, she was gone. Just...completely vanished. When I went back to the fifth floor, it was full of people (no orangutan in sight). All of the other floors were also full of people, students, and new books. Somehow, I knew this was because of the disk. The disk crossing the threshold had nullified her existence.

I was fucking devastated, but I still had work to do. I went to the church and provided the gems and gold dust. After some back-and-forth with the head priest, I was taken to a separate room with white walls. Lo and behold the priest who'd trapped my late ghost/goth girlfriend, not having aged a day, was there to greet me. He gave me the coins and almost sent me away but, remember, I what I kept needed to be handled intimately. And I'd been told some very specific, very useful information.

Long story short, I seduced and pegged the priest. Since the gold and diamonds had indeed been inside him at that point...well...you get the idea.

While he slept, I stole more of his coins and fled. I took everything to the baseball field. The dog ate the disk. And then...

I woke up...feeling very cold, morning the death of a relationship I'd never had, and a newfound confirmation that I definitely have a Type.

So. WHAT THE FUCK??????!!!!!

[an-eldritch-peredhel]

Afterlife therapy can't fix everything, golden cages, and unreturned all sound neat!

@thalion71, for the WIP ask game!

Afterlife therapy can't fix everything: The very rough title for an OC centric fic, focusing on Urusalirë with their family after she's reembodied from going off to fight and dying in the War of Wrath. Fun highlights include: backstory trauma because their family who's deaths she feels responsible for weren't in Mandos, Nerdanel with a little Trauma By Proxy because almost everyone she cares for has died horribly in Beleriand, Mahtan trying to keep his family together while ignoring the bitter and hurt parts of himself to help his partner, and of course my headcanons on Mandos and reembodiment.

He deliberately holds himself back from touching her- something she is pathetically grateful for but simultaneously infuriates her. They want to hold and be held by their friend and partner and husband and they couldn’t in death and now they can’t in life because they tried and they had, for hours they had held their partner and their daughter as closely and tightly as any of them could bear, but even the thought of someone touching their skin now pins their ears back and makes them want to cry.

Golden Cages: Magic puberty with parents who are fundamentally, cosmically incapable of understanding you and a sibling who is both a lifeline and a threat is a great time! It's basically me working through Luthien's relationships with her parents and with her childhood while forced into a place and form that she can't fit out of love. Also an excuse for lots of purple-prose magic description, which I'm always a fan of. I'm not terribly happy with the bones of it anymore, and it's hard to reconcile normal mental reactions with Eldritchly-Inhuman Maia instincts without leaning too hard one way or another and feeling wrong, but I still love some parts and the premise so it will probably end up reworked in the future.

When she finally stopped Singing (she didn’t run out of air) she had wings large enough to half-span the throne room, and skin that glinted like metal and iridized like the inside of a shell, and eyes brighter than the forest-frozen stars, and hair that spiraled like clouds (like her mother’s) and, and, and. She didn’t speak for a month, until it all (mostly) went away, leaving her stretched and straining at her body’s seams with the knowledge of her new potential. The forest's bird-song didn’t come back for another week.

Unreturned: An AU where Luthien is able to return to life as a mortal(ish) because of her nature, but Beren can't because of his. She agrees to go back and live her life for as long as she can bear (very reluctantly, in no small part because in this AU she's already pregnant), and resolves that since she doesn't have Beren to settle down with, she is going to fuck shit up and leave as terrifyingly awesome a legacy as she can. Beren is her impulse control. Would love to do more with this but it's 90% undefined break-it-less vibes in my head which with the Silm means so much planning to get pieces to fall into place without making things worse. I do know that the major canon divergence would only start after the Nirnaeth was lost. Also featuring Maedhros and Luthien becoming really weird, terrifying, and vaguely codependent besties (a relationship I care so much about with less than 0 basis), and Daeron trying to coparent Dior while keeping his sister even halfway sane (paralleling Maglor with Maedhros- and possibly Gil-Galad?)

Luthien begs. She pours her heart and soul out into her Song, all her rage and grief at the unjustice of the world. Namo, the great judge, grim and unrelenting and always, always just, he cries. He sits, silently listening to her, as tears drip down his stony face. He is not unmoved. But there are laws greater than he to be upheld, and mortals do not return from death. Elves do. And Maiar do not die.

[actuallylorelaigilmore]

so the project i’m editing is one that i accepted back at the end of november, not realizing when i said i’d be happy to start work on it in december that i was about to spiral into feeling totally overwhelmed by holidays and frequent guests and multiple rounds of covid in the house...when for the first time we had multiple family members staying here at the same time and i had also decided to make people crocheted gifts for the holidays. all my people. as a beginner. 

i also didn’t realize at the end of november that i was going to feel an utter lack of holiday spirit last year, most of the time, so secluding myself with crochet projects on a self-imposed time crunch was self-protective, a bit. either way, though, i received the draft i was meant to edit in november, made sure i could open the file, and then--and this is key--did not actually read it. 

instead i spent december surviving the holidays, confident that in january i would dig into it, once our house was quiet again. that plan didn’t include the new year’s covid of it all, and the brain fog that lasted most of the month afterward. from february to now, family visits combined lasted another two months or so, and the stimulant medication shortage has given me gaps that mess with my brain each month of this year--until the last one, when i was able to talk my doctor into renewing my prescription early for the first and only time.

so basically, by the time i opened the draft in january and was already struggling to work on it or anything requiring brainpower...that was the first time i realized that it was a very rough first draft, not what i had expected (i’m honestly not sure why. i hadn’t been given an indication in any way). i started working on it, but battling my adhd while trying to do my best work was like a tug of war i couldn’t win, because my brain is detail-obsessed, which makes me a good editor, but also got me totally bogged down in this process because it just needed so much shaping up before i could even see it for the story. 

the battle that is my brain makes me frustrated and whiny and even more avoidant of trying to work, because i know that if i just had the perfect conditions i would suddenly be able to function again, and it feels so unfair that i can’t magically create those conditions for myself. anywhere that i work is near noise and people and an adorable cat whose affection i refuse to ignore, and it’s nobody’s fault that i’m so easily distracted, but it certainly feels like it should be somebody’s fault, which must mean the fault is mine. also not a great feeling to toss in the mix.

in april, i was lucky enough to get a few weeks with no family events and a lot of quiet, and i made good progress on the draft, leaving me with only 47 more pages to line edit. after that’s all done, i have other notes to take and things to check and tidy up, so i suspect i’ll need a few more days to finish the whole thing. but so far today i’ve gotten 8 more pages edited, and after a break i’m going to do some more. despite feeling lousy lately, i’ve been able to make use of my alone time just the way i needed to, and i’m really proud of that. 

if i can get the line editing done by wednesday, i’ll have thursday left to do some of the follow up work. and since today really has let me prove that i’m still capable of thinking clearly when i’ve got perfect conditions, i’m aiming to get as much done as possible before i go back to struggling. basically, since november i’ve had this project and an unrelated crochet project waiting for me to finish them, before i allow myself to move on to anything new. 

that has included tv shows (i’m avoiding spoilers for everything), reading books, crocheting for fun...really anything but podcasts and tablet games, which is how i’ve kept busy for half a year now and which i suspect has been bad for my mental health. because new tv shows give me breaks from reality and sharing tv shows is my love language, and a birthday loophole that had me watching nancy drew and later sharing it helped me a lot last week when depression came out of nowhere and knocked me down.

so i needed to ramble about that journey, and possibly post further updates just to keep myself motivated. once the editing is done, i’ll be free to get back to my more-fulfilled life, and stop punishing myself for struggling by withholding all the stuff that makes me happy. (and in future, i will have learned valuable lessons about how avoiding fun distractions doesn’t help me work better, and how i can only work with the environment i have--waiting for a better one to come along means not working at all.)

[lothrilzul]

2022 brought loads of new interesting stuff and content in my life. I won’t talk about the war special military operation going on next door because I’m not here to be stressed out.

Behold, lots of exclamation marks

2022 started slowly with Fallout on eco burner. My love for Paladin Danse is forever and unrelenting.

Book of Boba Fett! Ming-Na! Loved her in ER, Universe and Stargate, and now as Fennec. Extra cameo at the end!

Obi-wan Kenobi! Ewan McGregor, stellar as ever. My first platonic love, still going strong. Shame he didn’t get enough recognition for his portrayal in the early 2000′s and I’m glad the fans could reach both him and Hayden at last. It was so good so see them in their roles again. The last episode hurt so much it was so good.

Then in August we decided to finally finish Divinity Original Sin 2 with my Hubbo. That meant starting a new character, because we forgot like everything. 

Then I learned there was romance in D:OS2. That lead to a quick spiral with Ifan ben-Mezd. I already liked his character since the first time we played, at first I picked him as follower, second time I mained him, and now I picked him again, but accidentally triggered a romance dialogue and rolled with it. I’m glad I did. So worth it. I was robbed 4 years of Wolf Husband content.

Then I finally caught up with House of the Dragon. I started binging it the week the last episode came out because there was no way I’d wait that many weeks. I loved the structure of the series and how it knew exactly how much to serve. The experience felt like I’m watching fanfic. (Obi-wan, too, btw.) I didn’t really like either side, both the greens and blacks have good and bad people. And I know how it ends. However I understand their problems and see why they do what they do. I’m still not a fan of either Daemon or Rhaenyra, but for some inexplicable reason I imprinted on damned Aemond. I didn’t want to like him. I also adore Halaena. And let’s not forget Harwin Strong, the daddest dad to ever dad. And Rhaenys. True queen.

My new debilitating love for Ifan naturally led to a cursory search on AO3 for Ifan content. It’s scarce. So I read what was up my alley and decided to trying my hand at writing one. I think it’s 50% done now at 20k-ish words.

Also, I found a multifandom fic with some Dragon Age characters along with Ifan. Namely Alistair and Blackwall. Then I got Blackwall recommended if I liked Ifan. (I don’t dare tag you friend but you know it’s you.)

So, I asked Hubbo to get me Dragon Age. I was dreading to start, the whole religious aspect was a bit much for me. But I decided to dredge through the intrigue for the romances and story. TBH I knew some elements of the story, because I watched Hubbo play a few years back, but I never really cared. I remembered Morrigan because he romanced her. I was also very much spoiled throughout the story so it was really time to get a coherent experience.

Naturally, I started with Origins. I was pre-conditioned to go for Alistair and I am glad I did. He’s such a dork. I love him so much. Couldn’t harden him or make him king. My Cousland stayed with him until other orders came from above. At that point, I knew I would do anything to keep Alistair safe. Even break my own heart later.

I decided to go for Zevran next game. Maybe Morrigan, once, but I need the perfect character for that.

Then, Awakening. I was glad I could keep my Warden from Origins, so Cousland rolled into her new arling only for me to be shocked in the first quest. Hubbo never played this. I didn’t knew Anders was there. Nor did I know who Justice was. I had second-hand Corypheus flashbacks from the Architect. Like, vibez.

I loved every Warden recruit! (except Oghren. I didn’t like him in Origins, but he was not much better here) Especially Nathaniel Howe! I grew fond of my arch enemy’s son rather quickly. He was the only one I maxed out I think because I ran out of game. Anders was close second tho. Shame I found Sigrun last.

Naturally, next step was Dragon Age 2. I burned through Kirkwall in a week. It was a blast. Heh. I wanted to romance Fenris, but I decided to go for Anders because then I would have an easier time in Here Lies the Abyss. Or so I thought. My purple Hawke grew on me. Her relationship with Anders grew on me. It was always supposed to be a slightly pro-mage playthrough, but at the end I decided to go all in. Hawke has had enough. And I knew I’d be in a pit of despair soon.

I also made sure to max Fenris out, because I need the best friend.

So, here comes Inquisition. I’m only, what, eight years late. I set out to romance Blackwall, because, recommendation. First experience was underwhelming, but he worked his way up quickly. I’m not finished with the game or the romance yet, I didn’t even travel to the Winter Palace yet. But I kissed the sad bear enough for him to say he could get used to it. Good, do that. (I’m not at his personal revelation part yet.)

I did Here Lies the Abyss. I was like, I need to tear this band-aid off ASAP. I saved Alistair and left Alma behind, as I previously planned, but man... I wouldn’t want to be near Anders when he hears about it. The game really served me with a below-the-belt-punch for that decision by Varric’s tale. I cried like 4 different times after it and it was only 5 days ago. I’m broken. It was supposed to be my expendable Hawke. It was supposed to be least resistance. 

Oh, yeah. Varric. I grew rather fond of my charismatic friend and I’m damn broken I made him hurt like that. 

Cassandra is my bestie. Dorian is close too. And I adore Crem. He’s the best.

Later playthroughs I want to see Cullen’s romance, and possibly either Solas or Cassandra. Or Dorian. But that’s like 5 games. Whole lotta time.

I think that’s it? Quite a list, I always thought there’s nothing new this year can bring, but here I am with like 5 new boyfriends and 2 new heartbreaks. At minimum.